In Whole Heart Marriage, Two Become Three

September 17, 2009

10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Tool # 5 In Marriage the Two Become Three


I get more questions about this tip than any other.  Here’s what I mean.  When two people marry, no matter how much they love one another, soul mates or not, they do not become each other’s other half.  The whole is always greater than the sum of the parts.  The synergy of the two coming together creates something much bigger than even the two of them could create.  So a marriage there is “You”, “me” and “Us”.    If you become each other’s other half, so to speak, one or both of you will feel smothered.   



Separate and Together Goals


In the “two become three” relationship you each have separate physical, mental, emotional, financial and spiritual goals and you have goals together.  It is really important to have clear goals as a couple and clear goals as individuals.  Through the years, I recommend that you discuss and review your goals, being to open to changing and creating new ones. 


Friends First


Another valuable aspect of “two become three” relationship is that you are friends first, above and beyond anything else.  As you support one another in your goals, you support each other as friends.  Have you ever had a friend tell you about an idea they had, an adventure they were about to embark upon?  When they told you, you were very excited for them and you cheered them on.   It is much easier to be supportive and give feedback to a friend because you don’t have a vested interest in the outcome.  However, when you are dealing with your spouse their personal goals will affect you.  Their new adventure or project could affect your mental, emotional, physical and financial life, making it a lot more challenging to support them objectively. 





Be Single Sometimes in the Relationship


One of the things I have noticed in people who are just newly broken up from a relationship is that they will lose weight, change their hair or looks in some way or do the thing they had wanted to do for ever.    They will often say, “Now that I’m single I can finally….”  There is something to that “newly single” energy.  Often people feel energized and have a new lease on life.  I recommend that you do that thing without having to break up.  Let yourselves be single sometimes within the relationship.  I’m not talking about being single to get interested in someone else, just to do those things you love to do.  That’s what I mean by “two become three”.   Don’t lose your individuality in your relationship.  Do the things that you love to do with or without your partner.  Ideally you do some things with your partner and some without your partner and some things you join one another in doing.  But either way, you do those things you love to do.


Be Together, But Not Too Together



Sometimes in marriage we take each other for granted.   You assume the other person will always be the same as they were the day you met.  The truth is that we all grow and change.  We need to allow space in the relationship for the other to grow and change.  Sometimes we grow at a different pace than our partner.   That can be scary for the one who sees the other growing and changing.

          At the wedding ceremony there is a passage from the prophet by Kahlil Gibran that is often read.  The passage talks about drinking, but not from the same cup.  It goes on to talk about being together but not too together, and let the spaces dance between the two of you.  In other words, be together and allow and even encourage each other to grow.  As you grow, it is important to take time to stop and explore the new growth.


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