Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart

Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…

Tools for Clarity and Effective Communication

Say what you mean to say; but what did you mean to say?

“Say what you mean to say…”  This is a common statement and it is a fundamental element of any healthy relationship.  But the question is, “What did you mean to say?” 
How many times have you said something to your partner only to have them react in some totally “off the wall” manner?  They over-react so dramatically that it’s as if you said something totally different than what you actually said and meant. And the truth is you probably did.  Your words and your intention did not match.  Words are words, just that.  They take on meaning depending on the speaker’s intention and the listener’s interpretation. 

I would like to discuss intention because this is where we do have control over our communication.  We have no control over how the listener will hear and interpret what we say because that is influenced by their history and experience.  However, the more we are in touch with our true intention, the more likely it is that our message will be heard as we truly meant it to be, from our Whole Heart, the heart/mind and body/mind.

Here is a great practice you can do to know what your intention truly is.  The next time you are going to have a discussion about an issue with your partner, or anyone for that matter, before you engage, stop and check in with yourself.  You could even do a little writing about it.  Ask yourself the following questions:

What is my true intention? 
What is my true goal?
What else am I bringing to the discussion? 
Some of the things we bring to our interactions are personal history, emotions, attachments, expectations, past experience with the other person.
I will be elaborating on these in the next series of blogs.

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Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart
Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…
What the Self Help Books and Relationship Experts DON’T tell you!
Have you ever read one of those self help relationship books when you were desperate for some help (or not even that desperate) with your partner  or some other person in your life, friend, co-worker, child family member.  You know, the ones, those really important relationships in your life that you can’t really just walk away from? I’ve read so many I can’t even count.  I tried all the exercises, went to the workshops, and listened to the teleseminar calls. 
All the so-called experts made it sound so easy.   I felt like there was something wrong with me because these tricks and quick fixed just didn’t work for me.  They didn’t get me the results I wanted with my partner. 
I really wanted to be able to sit down with my partner and just talk about our relationship.  I wanted to say what I wanted to say and I wanted him to say what he wanted to say.  In my perfect little fantasy, we would then negotiate what each of us was willing to give and change for the other person, make the changes and live happily ever after.  Sounds so simple, right?  Even as I write this article, I can hear those “relationship experts” on Oprah like Dr. Phil and so many others making fools of people like me on their shows, berating us because we just can’t figure out why these simple tips and tricks just didn’t do the trick.
After years and years of bad relationships, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, I finally realized that what was missing was the Whole Heart approach.  I just didn’t get that no matter how I said it or how many times I repeated it, nothing was ever going to change until I changed!
I had to look at myself and what I was really communicating, beneath my words.  I had no idea that I brought my entire history of every bad relationship to every interaction I had with my partner.  I was bringing all my anger, frustration and disappointment to this person, who had nothing to do with my past relationships.  Although I would say all those nice words that sounded really good on paper and do all those great techniques, nothing got better and things didn’t change for me.  Well, actually they did change…for the worse!
What I want to share with you is that it’s not as simple as some say.  It’s really and “inside job”.  By this I mean that you have to change yourself before you can change your relationships.  When your heart/mind and your body/mind are centered and present to your partner or to any person with whom you are interacting, your communication will convey your Whole Heart intention.  That is the Whole Heart connection.

Tools for Positive and Lasting Change for Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships

Excerpt from:  Rekindle Your Romance, Complete Home Study Workbook by Diana Concoff Morgan
Gain increased self-awareness and change your cellular memory with this practice.

Here is a practice you can do today and every day to actually gain increased self-awareness and change your cellular memory.  It will reduce stress and create more peace in your life as well!  You will begin to notice an improvement in the relationships in your life.  We come into the world in a state of centered presence and we experience the core of who we are, the “I” that is connected to all of the universe.  This is our true nature, our authentic self.  It is a feeling of wholeness, a peaceful, blissful, joyous state of harmony.

The moment we take our first breath out of the womb, we experience our stress response.  We are moved by the first breath.  It is as if the body is breathed for the first time by whatever experience influences it in that moment.  We react to our very first experience of life, with our most basic survival fight or flight, freeze or faint stress response.  Whatever happened in that instant for you caused you to take a stand, to draw conclusions about the nature of life, of people, of your own existence, to be breathed in a certain way, to begin to develop a pattern of breath, a way of being in the world.

From the instant of that first breath onward, we make decisions about whether the world is safe or unsafe, friendly or unfriendly.  We make decisions about abundance and lack, love, loneliness, fear, approval and rejection.  We live out our lives holding onto these patterns of habitual response, drawing conclusions from them and taking them on as our truth without even realizing that’s what we are doing.  In reality, they are the truth from the center that we knew in the moment that we were first breathed, based upon whatever experience we had that caused that particular response.  If we had a different experience, we would know a different center, and from that center we would know a different truth.

Human beings are creatures of habit.    A habit originates as a stress response to a particular situation.  Something happens.  We react from an unconscious place.  The body/mind registers a cellular memory of reacting a particular way to a particular situation.  Eventually it becomes a habit.  As children we form beliefs based upon our patterns of habitual response.  In this way, our experiences create our personal history and we wear our personal history like an inner layer of clothing.   Each experience registers a cellular memory in the body/mind, and the body/mind takes on the shape of that experience including the emotions, feelings and thoughts.  There is a shape to anger, fear, disappointment, joy, happiness and every other emotion that exists.   We take on these shapes in our body/minds in different ways.

Try this experiment now:

Notice your body/mind right now just as it is.  Notice every part; your head, neck, shoulders, belly, back, arms, legs, breath, eye contact, throat and whatever else you notice.  Now…remember a situation that made you very angry.  Let yourself get as angry as you can about it.  Really get into it…  Now notice your body/mind.  Notice everywhere…Even notice how you see the world from where you are right now.

Can you detect how the shape of your body/mind has changed?  Where there was once calm and relaxation, there is tightness and tension.  Perhaps you are breathing now with more effort, or not breathing as deeply, or tightening your belly or another part of your body/mind.  This is what we mean when we say that emotions and feelings take on a particular shape in the body/mind.  Now… remember something that made you really happy… Let yourself get happy all over.  Let the shape of happiness change your body/mind.

Do you notice the shape of happiness in your body/mind?

Did you know you can actually change your personal history?

These shapes in the body/mind are created by trigger points, triggered habitual response patterns that become our personal history.

A situation occurs, triggers a cellular memory, a reaction. When our back is up against the wall, we do one of the following, fight or flight, freeze or faint based upon our habitual responses.   After years and years, we tend to react in the same way, healthy or not, effective or not.   When we react, the body/mind takes on the shape of the reaction, and then the body/mind holds the shape of that emotion, long after the situation has ended, creating an incredible amount of stress in the body/mind.   As you do this practice every day, you will begin to notice some amazing changes in your body/mind.  Next time you are going to have an interaction with your partner, child, co-worker, or friend, try this practice first.

Notice what you notice…

The Whole Heart Path holds the secret behind “The Secret”.  If you really want to utilize the “Law of Attraction” in your life to attract positive things that you desire, you need to understand how it really works.  Most people get caught in the trap of believing that they can create their reality  by thinking the right thoughts, reciting affirmations, in other words, focusing primarily on the power of the mind.  The problem with this is that if you have unconscious beliefs that are contradicting your conscious beliefs, the unconscious beliefs will win out because it is your unconscious beliefs that are dictating what the “Law of Attraction” will manifest in your life.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you’re thinking, I want a million dollars, I deserve a million dollars, even affirming, I’m so grateful that I have received a million dollars.  The thing is that if your unconscious belief  is that you don’t deserve it and you don’t believe it could happen for you and it can’t be true, then that is what you will manifest.

The Whole Heart Path holds the key to working on your unconscious beliefs with a holistic, body/mind heart/mind approach.  The challenge with unconscious beliefs is that, we are not aware that we have them because they are unconscious.  We attract things into our lives that we don’t want and then we have no idea how we did this.  If you look at your life, every aspect of it, you will see the manifestation in the physical form of your unconscious beliefs.

Here is the secret behind the secret; the part that is rarely mentioned is that you can’t just change your thinking to change your life.  You do definitely need to change your thinking but  more than that is necessary for true positive and lasting change.  In essence, you need to change your cellular memory.  Every thought, every experience, every belief lives in our cellular memory.  Without getting too technical in this article, the Whole Heart Path offers the tools for changing your cellular memory-your heart/mind and body/mind. You can actually release unconscious beliefs and blockage to your happiness.

Part 2:  After the Break-Up

After the break up
How to prepare yourself for a good relationship

The first step is to begin cultivating a good relationship with the self.  This includes the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of you.  If you don’t have a good relationship with yourself, how do you expect anyone else to?  Who are you in the world?  How do you want your life to be?  It is crucial that you decide how you want your world to be before you find your partner or you will tend to be more inclined to just fit yourself into your partner’s world.

So how do you do this?  Start by beginning to observe who you are in the world and how you are in the world?  After you begin to know yourself in the world, you can begin to know if that is really how you want to be.  Are you doing what you want to be doing?  Does your lifestyle support your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs?  Is there room in your life for a partner?  Your partner doesn’t have to be exactly like you.  Variety is good!

Here is another great exercise to do before you go find another relationship.  Go back in your life and look at every relationship you have ever been in….starting with the relationship with the parent of the opposite sex.  Look honestly at the nature of the relationship and write about it.  Why did you choose that person?   You didn’t consciously choose your parent but you could ponder the question, “Why would I have chosen her/him?”  What did we come together to learn from one another?  With each relationship, as you write about this person, ask yourself why you chose that person?  What did you learn in that relationship, from that person?  And most importantly, what was your part in the break up?  Even if that person broke up with you, cheated on you, whatever happened, you had a part.

I would like to take a moment to help you understand the difference between your fault and your part.  Your part and your fault are not the same.  Here is an example showing the difference.  I was in a very serious car accident in 1999.  Here’s what happened.  I was going through an intersection where there was only a stop sign in one direction.  So the other person had a stop and I didn’t.  I continued on through the intersection, and she ran her stop sign, ramming into the side of my car and pushing my car into another car.  My car was nearly totaled.  I was out of commission for about 8 months. I was so angry for that 8 months and for about another year or so.  I had so many physical problems from that accident and I just kept blaming her over and over again.

The other thing that happened was that every time I was about to enter into an intersection, even with a 4-way stop, I would break out in a sweat and I could feel my heart begin to pound.  It was as if I would relive that accident every time.  It was getting worse and worse and blaming that woman wasn’t giving me one second of comfort.  I would just keep running the accident through my mind.  I could get anyone to agree with me that it was her fault.  I even had a witness.  Two women had been following her and even stopped and told me she had been driving erratically for many blocks.  So there, I had built my case.  It wasn’t my fault.  But I needed to get over the anger.   So I had to take my power back and take responsibility for my life, which meant that I had to accept that I had a part in the situation.  I finally realized that my part was that I had assumed the right of way.  I didn’t look before I entered into the intersection because I had the right of way.  From that point forward, I have never assumed the right of way again!  And I was freed of that fear of entering an intersection.  So that was a great learning opportunity.  That is what you can do with each of your past relationships, take responsibility for your part, acknowledge what you learned, be thankful and move on.

STEP 3

Now that you have your “must have” and “would like to have but I could live without” lists, you need to make a list of your current “must haves” and “would like to have but I could live without”.  Then you need to see where your current partner fits in relation to those lists.  The key is to be able to be really honest about whether your current partner has your “must haves” or not.  If your partner does not have your must haves”, you have to ask yourself, “Why am I staying with this person?”  The truth is that while you are with this person, you are filling a void with the wrong person and keeping the right person away.

Until you reach the point in your life where you would rather be alone then be in a relationship that isn’t good for you, you will always settle for “better than being alone”.  I realize that sounds callous but its true!  I encourage you to take the time you need after the break up to learn who you are and what you want from your life.  I am reminded of the movie, “Runaway Bride”.  If you have not seen this movie, you can rent it!  You need to learn how you like your eggs before you can find the right partner.
Tomorrow:
Part 2:  After the Break-Up

I recently had someone ask me to write an article about how to break up with someone. Although I perform marriage ceremonies, I also do relationship coaching.  Sometimes the coaching is about breaking up.  But sometimes it’s about thinking you need to break up but that’s really not the answer.   Sometimes people think they need to end the relationship because they need to move forward somehow and that’s the only way they know how to move it forward.  So I am dividing the answer to this question into parts.  This part is about figuring out if you should break up or not.

Is breaking up really the answer?

Here’s my experience combined with the experience of the hundreds of people I have worked with over the past 30 years.   This may not be what you wanted to hear.  This may be sort of a long answer to a really short question. It may seem like a “round about” way of handling the problem, but if you hear me out and actually try these suggestions, I promise this will work for you as it has for so many others, including myself.  My intention is to offer you some information to help you to figure out whether it’s time to break up or to work at having a better relationship with your partner. 

STEP 1

The first step in figuring out if it’s time to break up with someone is to begin the process of breaking up within yourself.  If you are still with the person, there must be a reason.  What is the payoff for you?  Maybe you don’t want to be alone or maybe you don’t want to go through the discomfort of having to break up with the person because you know they will feel hurt.  Or maybe it’s just a habit, the relationship itself.  Whatever the reason, you have to be honest enough with yourself to admit what part(s) of the relationship are still working for you and which parts you don’t want.  The reason this is crucial is because if you are not clear about the relationship you will just keep going back into it.

STEP 2

Step 2 is the process of determining if it’s over.  I have to digress in order to talk about step 2.  When I am advising someone on how to choose a partner for a long-term relationship, I suggest they make 2 lists.  List #1 is called “must have”.  This list consists of all the qualities and characteristics you must have in a partner and in your relationship.   List #2 is called “would like to have but I could live without”.  Just like it sounds, these are things you would like to have but they are not the deal breakers; you could live without these things.  You cannot sacrifice your “must haves”.  If you do, and your relationship makes it, you will both be very frustrated and unhappy.  More likely, you will not make it. You could have none of your “would like to have but I could live without it” and still make it and be very happy.    These are needs that could be met by people other than your partner.  If you find yourself in a relationship where it appears that you have compromised your “must haves” you will need to re-evaluate those “must haves”.  Maybe you need to re-categorize; maybe your “must haves” are really “would like to have but I could live without”.  If they are truly “must haves” I encourage you to hold your ground.

So you say, “OK, I’m holding my ground…So now what?” 

If you would like a free copy of my e-book, “Essential Tools for Healthy, Whole Heart Relationships” please click here and request your copy today:  Essential Tools for Healthy, Happy, Whole Heart Relationships with the Self and Others.

Tomorrow:  Step 3