Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart

Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…

Tools for Clarity and Effective Communication

Say what you mean to say; but what did you mean to say?

“Say what you mean to say…”  This is a common statement and it is a fundamental element of any healthy relationship.  But the question is, “What did you mean to say?” 
How many times have you said something to your partner only to have them react in some totally “off the wall” manner?  They over-react so dramatically that it’s as if you said something totally different than what you actually said and meant. And the truth is you probably did.  Your words and your intention did not match.  Words are words, just that.  They take on meaning depending on the speaker’s intention and the listener’s interpretation. 

I would like to discuss intention because this is where we do have control over our communication.  We have no control over how the listener will hear and interpret what we say because that is influenced by their history and experience.  However, the more we are in touch with our true intention, the more likely it is that our message will be heard as we truly meant it to be, from our Whole Heart, the heart/mind and body/mind.

Here is a great practice you can do to know what your intention truly is.  The next time you are going to have a discussion about an issue with your partner, or anyone for that matter, before you engage, stop and check in with yourself.  You could even do a little writing about it.  Ask yourself the following questions:

What is my true intention? 
What is my true goal?
What else am I bringing to the discussion? 
Some of the things we bring to our interactions are personal history, emotions, attachments, expectations, past experience with the other person.
I will be elaborating on these in the next series of blogs.

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Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart
Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…
What the Self Help Books and Relationship Experts DON’T tell you!
Have you ever read one of those self help relationship books when you were desperate for some help (or not even that desperate) with your partner  or some other person in your life, friend, co-worker, child family member.  You know, the ones, those really important relationships in your life that you can’t really just walk away from? I’ve read so many I can’t even count.  I tried all the exercises, went to the workshops, and listened to the teleseminar calls. 
All the so-called experts made it sound so easy.   I felt like there was something wrong with me because these tricks and quick fixed just didn’t work for me.  They didn’t get me the results I wanted with my partner. 
I really wanted to be able to sit down with my partner and just talk about our relationship.  I wanted to say what I wanted to say and I wanted him to say what he wanted to say.  In my perfect little fantasy, we would then negotiate what each of us was willing to give and change for the other person, make the changes and live happily ever after.  Sounds so simple, right?  Even as I write this article, I can hear those “relationship experts” on Oprah like Dr. Phil and so many others making fools of people like me on their shows, berating us because we just can’t figure out why these simple tips and tricks just didn’t do the trick.
After years and years of bad relationships, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results, I finally realized that what was missing was the Whole Heart approach.  I just didn’t get that no matter how I said it or how many times I repeated it, nothing was ever going to change until I changed!
I had to look at myself and what I was really communicating, beneath my words.  I had no idea that I brought my entire history of every bad relationship to every interaction I had with my partner.  I was bringing all my anger, frustration and disappointment to this person, who had nothing to do with my past relationships.  Although I would say all those nice words that sounded really good on paper and do all those great techniques, nothing got better and things didn’t change for me.  Well, actually they did change…for the worse!
What I want to share with you is that it’s not as simple as some say.  It’s really and “inside job”.  By this I mean that you have to change yourself before you can change your relationships.  When your heart/mind and your body/mind are centered and present to your partner or to any person with whom you are interacting, your communication will convey your Whole Heart intention.  That is the Whole Heart connection.

Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart

Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…

The Whole Heart Path is the path that unites the body/mind and the heart/mind

When you live from your whole heart you are living your highest self.  When you communicate from this self you are clear about what you want to say and how best to say it to be heard.  It is often the case that it’s not what we say but how we say it that causes disharmony.  When you look someone in the eyes, soften your belly and your knees, breathe deeply and relax into a smile, you can say just about anything to anyone.  Conversely, when you are tense, angry, stressed and avoiding eye contact, no matter what you say, it will be over-powered by that energy and probably not be received very enthusiastically.

I help people learn how to communicate from their whole heart.  This is a process.  There are various stages to getting in touch with your whole heart.  The first step to finding your whole heart is to begin to understand what is in the way.  Your history is blocking you from your whole heart.  By this, I mean your past experiences and beliefs are dominating your unconscious mind.  So when you start to formulate an idea to communicate to someone, unless you become conscious and realize it, you are bringing your history to that communication.

Here is a practice you can do to learn Whole Heart Communication:

Before your next conversation with anyone about anything, pause and allow yourself to become present to the moment, to the person with whom you are interacting, present to the “right now”.  Breathe into the moment.  Notice your body/mine and heart/mind.  Think about what you want to say to that person and what you want to communicate.

What you say and what you communicate can be two really different messages.  What you say consists of words which can have many different meanings.  What you communicate is your intention behind your words.  Your words can communicate many different messages depending on your intention and energy behind your words.

As you do this exercise, notice your thoughts, energy, and breath when you start to talk to the other person.  Notice if you are tense, have tightness in your body or your breathing.  And then notice if the person you are talking to seems tense.  Notice if they appear to be matching your energy and tone.  Then, right in the moment that you notice, take a breath, soften your belly, relax your face, soften your knees and then notice of the person’s energy changes to match your energy and tone.

Most of the time, you will notice a shift in the other person when you make the shift in your own body/mind and heart/mind.  This is the power of the Whole Heart Path.  It is the intention that will color the interactions you have with other people.  If you are saying one thing with your words, but your unconscious self is communicating something different with your energy the unconscious communication will be the louder message.

Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart

Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…

Making the Connection with your Partner:  Offering Support

One of the biggest challenges in relationships is making the connection.  Do you feel like you support your partner but you don’t feel like your partner feels supported by you?  It could be that your partner doesn’t feel supported by you because they want to be supported by you in a different way than you are currently supporting them and they don’t know how to tell you.  This will feel like you are not making the connection.

How to Support a Water Person

Here are some clues as to how to support your partner so they feel supported. If you are with a watery, heart person, they want to be supported with hugs.  They want you to listen to them, to feel what they feel.  They want empathy.  They don’t need you to solve their problems.  They just want you to hear them.  If you try to solve their problems, they will probably get frustrated and angry.  They might bring it up a few more times, but each time, they just want to talk about it and feel heard.  Don’t bother trying to solve the problem, if there is one.

How to Support a Wind Person

A windy, head-centered person wants to be understood.  They want to talk about it but they don’t necessarily want a hug.  They want to be understood.  The thing about these people is that after they talk about it, do whatever processing they are going to do and feel heard, they are done talking about it.  They are not thinking about it.  And they are most likely not going to bring it up again.  Sometimes they can be misunderstood as people who stuff their feeling but the truth is that they aren’t really having any feelings about it.  They are done and they have moved on.  They have let it go.

How to Support a Fire Person

Fiery people want someone to listen to them while they vent their frustration or anger.  They tend to have quick, abrupt explosions and then they move one.  They’re over it, at least for the time being.  They don’t usually stay that angry or upset for long.  But they need to get it out.  They need to explode.  They need to express their feelings.  They don’t need you to fix them or to solve the problem.  They want you to hear them and they want to feel heard.  They might want a hug.  The best way to know is to ASK them!  They will love that!  And they will tell you yes or no to the hug.

How to Support a Ground Person

Ground people want to feel supported but they might not want to talk.  They want you to “just know”.   They aren’t big talkers in the first place.  Getting them to talk about things–you might feel like you are surgically extracting the conversation from them.  They are famous for the “monosyllabic”, one word response:  “yes, no, maybe…”  These people will feel supported by you with a hug and your time.  Just sit with them, be there for them, without needing them to talk about it.  Eventually, they might tell you…but don’t hold your breath.

If you have questions or specific situations you would like to ask about, please feel free to email me or comment on this blog.  I look forward to hearing from you.

Five Rings Relationship Tools—Communicate From Your Whole Heart
Offering Tools for Lasting and Positive Change in Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships…

It’s Not What You Say; It’s How You Say It—Getting to YES

Do you feel like your communication in relationships is effective about 25% – 50 % of the time?  Do you get the “deer in headlights eyes”?  Do people misunderstand you?  Overreact to what you say?  Do you wish you could be effective ALL of the time or even MORE of the time?  Communication is much more about HOW you say it than it is about WHAT you say.

Here are some examples of how to use the Five Rings communication practices in your life to be more effective in your communications.  In this particular example, imagine you are presenting a situation to the other person and you really want them to see your side and to agree with you.

Getting to YES with the Ring of Wind

The most effective communication style will depend on the personality type.
If you are dealing with a person who lives primarily from their head, this is referred to as the ring of wind.  You will know this head-centered, wind person by the way the words they use when responding to various questions.  If you ask for their opinion they usually begin with a phrase like “I think…”

Wind people tend to be very logical in their approach to life.  This head-centered person needs detail and facts.  They want information.   They need a logical discussion.   They are not going to make a decision or act on their emotions or feelings.  They might not even be in touch with their feelings.  They are not going to respond or act based upon your feelings about the situation.    So you will have to offer them information and a plan.  It will be helpful to include them in the process by asking them for their support and any information they might have about the subject.  This will also help them to feel that you respect their opinion.  Head-centered people want to feel respected and appreciated for their intellectual contribution.  They will have to analyze all the information and get back to you.

Getting to YES with the Ring of Fire

People who live in the ring of fire can be recognized by their “see it and do it” approach to life.  They are “doers”.  They take action.  Because they are so busy, they just want the bottom line.  They don’t want the whole long drawn out story with every little detail.  They want information but in a concise, general format.  They want the bottom line and they want to feel confident that the bottom line reflects that you’ve done your homework on the subject.  You can communicate that you respect someone who lives in the ring of fire by respecting their time and their need to get straight to the point.  They might give you an answer right on the spot if you present your case in a concise, credible package.

Getting to YES with the Ring of Water

The person who lives in the ring of water is a very emotional, feeling person.   They will frequently express their opinion beginning with a phrase like, “I feel…”  The water person wants to discuss the subject.  They want you to share your feelings about the issue and they want to share theirs.  They want to go back and forth, discussing the facts and issues surrounding the subject.  Together, you will weigh the pros and cons, maybe sharing experiences and together you will come to an agreement.

Getting to YES with the Ring of Ground

If you are dealing with a person who lives in the ring of ground, you are dealing with someone who does not want fluff or rose-colored anything.   This person is your rock.  They are there for you, supportive, stable.   They do a lot of listening, being there for you.   This person wants details, paired down to the bottom line.  They will not be giving you a quick decision.  They will take in everything you’ve said, including your opinion on the subject and then they will probably say that they will need to “be with it”, “let it settle”, “mull it over”.  All of these are expressions a ground person would use meaning they are going to take their time to make a decision.  They won’t even give you a crumb as to which way they might be leaning.  They have the art of “Oh” down to a science.

All in all, these are general concepts.  Of course, nothing is ever black or white.  Because we are human beings, we all live in all the rings at some time or other.  We just tend to live in 1 or 2 more than the others.  I encourage you to experiment with these tools and concepts and have fun.

Tools for Positive and Lasting Change for Personal, Professional and Romantic Relationships

Excerpt from:  Rekindle Your Romance, Complete Home Study Workbook by Diana Concoff Morgan
Gain increased self-awareness and change your cellular memory with this practice.

Here is a practice you can do today and every day to actually gain increased self-awareness and change your cellular memory.  It will reduce stress and create more peace in your life as well!  You will begin to notice an improvement in the relationships in your life.  We come into the world in a state of centered presence and we experience the core of who we are, the “I” that is connected to all of the universe.  This is our true nature, our authentic self.  It is a feeling of wholeness, a peaceful, blissful, joyous state of harmony.

The moment we take our first breath out of the womb, we experience our stress response.  We are moved by the first breath.  It is as if the body is breathed for the first time by whatever experience influences it in that moment.  We react to our very first experience of life, with our most basic survival fight or flight, freeze or faint stress response.  Whatever happened in that instant for you caused you to take a stand, to draw conclusions about the nature of life, of people, of your own existence, to be breathed in a certain way, to begin to develop a pattern of breath, a way of being in the world.

From the instant of that first breath onward, we make decisions about whether the world is safe or unsafe, friendly or unfriendly.  We make decisions about abundance and lack, love, loneliness, fear, approval and rejection.  We live out our lives holding onto these patterns of habitual response, drawing conclusions from them and taking them on as our truth without even realizing that’s what we are doing.  In reality, they are the truth from the center that we knew in the moment that we were first breathed, based upon whatever experience we had that caused that particular response.  If we had a different experience, we would know a different center, and from that center we would know a different truth.

Human beings are creatures of habit.    A habit originates as a stress response to a particular situation.  Something happens.  We react from an unconscious place.  The body/mind registers a cellular memory of reacting a particular way to a particular situation.  Eventually it becomes a habit.  As children we form beliefs based upon our patterns of habitual response.  In this way, our experiences create our personal history and we wear our personal history like an inner layer of clothing.   Each experience registers a cellular memory in the body/mind, and the body/mind takes on the shape of that experience including the emotions, feelings and thoughts.  There is a shape to anger, fear, disappointment, joy, happiness and every other emotion that exists.   We take on these shapes in our body/minds in different ways.

Try this experiment now:

Notice your body/mind right now just as it is.  Notice every part; your head, neck, shoulders, belly, back, arms, legs, breath, eye contact, throat and whatever else you notice.  Now…remember a situation that made you very angry.  Let yourself get as angry as you can about it.  Really get into it…  Now notice your body/mind.  Notice everywhere…Even notice how you see the world from where you are right now.

Can you detect how the shape of your body/mind has changed?  Where there was once calm and relaxation, there is tightness and tension.  Perhaps you are breathing now with more effort, or not breathing as deeply, or tightening your belly or another part of your body/mind.  This is what we mean when we say that emotions and feelings take on a particular shape in the body/mind.  Now… remember something that made you really happy… Let yourself get happy all over.  Let the shape of happiness change your body/mind.

Do you notice the shape of happiness in your body/mind?

Did you know you can actually change your personal history?

These shapes in the body/mind are created by trigger points, triggered habitual response patterns that become our personal history.

A situation occurs, triggers a cellular memory, a reaction. When our back is up against the wall, we do one of the following, fight or flight, freeze or faint based upon our habitual responses.   After years and years, we tend to react in the same way, healthy or not, effective or not.   When we react, the body/mind takes on the shape of the reaction, and then the body/mind holds the shape of that emotion, long after the situation has ended, creating an incredible amount of stress in the body/mind.   As you do this practice every day, you will begin to notice some amazing changes in your body/mind.  Next time you are going to have an interaction with your partner, child, co-worker, or friend, try this practice first.

Notice what you notice…

The Whole Heart Path holds the secret behind “The Secret”.  If you really want to utilize the “Law of Attraction” in your life to attract positive things that you desire, you need to understand how it really works.  Most people get caught in the trap of believing that they can create their reality  by thinking the right thoughts, reciting affirmations, in other words, focusing primarily on the power of the mind.  The problem with this is that if you have unconscious beliefs that are contradicting your conscious beliefs, the unconscious beliefs will win out because it is your unconscious beliefs that are dictating what the “Law of Attraction” will manifest in your life.

Here’s an example:

Let’s say you’re thinking, I want a million dollars, I deserve a million dollars, even affirming, I’m so grateful that I have received a million dollars.  The thing is that if your unconscious belief  is that you don’t deserve it and you don’t believe it could happen for you and it can’t be true, then that is what you will manifest.

The Whole Heart Path holds the key to working on your unconscious beliefs with a holistic, body/mind heart/mind approach.  The challenge with unconscious beliefs is that, we are not aware that we have them because they are unconscious.  We attract things into our lives that we don’t want and then we have no idea how we did this.  If you look at your life, every aspect of it, you will see the manifestation in the physical form of your unconscious beliefs.

Here is the secret behind the secret; the part that is rarely mentioned is that you can’t just change your thinking to change your life.  You do definitely need to change your thinking but  more than that is necessary for true positive and lasting change.  In essence, you need to change your cellular memory.  Every thought, every experience, every belief lives in our cellular memory.  Without getting too technical in this article, the Whole Heart Path offers the tools for changing your cellular memory-your heart/mind and body/mind. You can actually release unconscious beliefs and blockage to your happiness.