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Tools for Clarity and Effective Communication in Your Whole Heart Marriage

If Your Needs Aren’t Being Met in Your Marriage (Part 1)


One of my greatest challenges with my partners over the years has been not being able to say what I need when I need it.  It seems that men are so much better at stating their needs, at least the men that I was with.  I knew what my needs were in a given situation.  That was NOT my problem.  I just felt like my needs were not that important.  As long as everyone else was happy, I could be okay, not happy, but okay.  The truth is, I wasn’t even okay.   I was just acting like I was okay.  I was really so angry in side and I didn’t even know it.  Two phrases I use very carefully and with much conscious thought before I say them are, “it’s okay”, and, “I understand”.  I misused those phrases wa-a-a-a-y too many times, way more than anybody should use those phrases in an entire lifetime!  I spent hundreds of dollars on therapy just learning how NOT to say those two statements.



A key to any successful, happy Whole Heart marriage is being able to state your needs and then to get your needs met.  If you are not getting your needs met in your marriage, with your partner, then most likely two things either are or will eventually occur.  The first is that you will become angry.  Anger and resentment in a relationship will affect many areas.  It will erode your trust.  How can you trust your partner if you feel that you can’t share what your needs are?  If you don’t trust your partner, this will affect your intimacy.


The second thing that happens, as a result of the anger and resentment is that you will begin to look outside the relationship to get your needs met.  First it will be your emotional needs.  You will inevitably find someone to talk to, someone who understands, who’ll listen and care.  This could be just a friend or a potential new partner.  As the intimate sharing leads to trust, which leads to intimacy, it is possible, even likely that you will find an intimate partner to fulfill your needs.    Keep in mind that you will tend to attract someone who is not really as available as they appear to be.  After all, they are attracting you into their life; someone who is unavailable, already involved, looking for someone to fulfill your unmet intimacy needs.

Tomorrow…How to get your needs met!