10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Tip # 4 Express Clear Boundaries

What is a boundary? In the context of this article, a boundary is where you end and the other person begins. Boundaries encompass the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual presence of a person. In a marriage, or any relationship it is important to acknowledge that you are two separate people with two distinct personalities, two different sets of life experiences, tastes, opinions, perceptions, etc.

So when I say, express clear boundaries, I am talking about verbal and not-verbal communication. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be clear. Don’t give off mixed messages. Do you say it’s ok when it isn’t? Do you not say anything when you need to say something? Do you hope your partner will “just know”? Do you think your partner should “just know”?

Clear boundaries require you to know what you want. Before you can communicate clearly, you have to know what you want so it requires you taking the time to check in with yourself.

Sometimes people don’t express clear boundaries because they are concerned about making the other person angry. Or they are concerned that someone will not accept and honor their boundary. Guess what! You can say what you want whether the other person accepts it or not. In fact, that’s the first step in expressing clear boundaries…not worrying about the response from the other person.

Clear expression of boundaries also includes inviting, welcoming and honoring your partner’s boundaries. Haven’t you ever found yourself thinking, “I just wish I knew what he/she really wanted?” If you are not expressing clear boundaries to each other in your marriage, you are both wasting time and energy guessing and wondering about your partner.

I recommend that you have a discussion about each other’s boundaries. Make agreements about how each of you would like to express your boundaries to the other person and how you would like your communications to be received.

If you’ve been married a long time or even together a long time, remember that we all change as we grow. You may assume that certain things are true for your partner but in fact they have changed. Don’t assume. Be open to that possibility. As you discuss your boundaries in the exercise below come to your partner with an open heart and mind. It’s important that neither of you makes the other wrong for having a certain boundary. (Stay tuned for “What if our boundaries conflict?”) We are all individuals, separate and unique people. And that’s what makes it interesting, right?

Here are some boundaries that you could start to discuss:

Alone time verses together time.

Time together, time together with other friends, time alone with other friends

Spending money

Environment in the home

Food

And the list could go on…you fill in the rest!

As always, I would love to hear your comments and questions!

Love and blessings,

Diana

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or http://www.WholeHeartPath.com

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10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Tip # 3 Always put the relationship first

It is important to put your relationship first, above either of you as individuals or any other person. Marriage is a partnership. I am not saying that you have to become one person but you do have a partnership and honoring your partnership will keep your romance alive. If you do not put the relationship first, you will start to get little resentments which will become big resentments, which will eventually extinguish the flame in your relationship! Everything ends up in the bedroom. In other words, whatever resentments and dissatisfaction you have in your relationship will manifest in your romance and passion. When you are in alignment and in agreement, you have the space for passion and romance to emerge.

Some of the more common influences that challenge you to put your marriage first are children, friends, extended family and work. It’s just too easy to let those things come in between the two people in a marriage. Here are some examples and suggestion about how to put the relationship first when these challenges arise.

Children are so good at pitting one parent against the other. Sometimes one parent is consistently more permissive than the other or sometimes, each parent is permissive and strict about different issues. And our highly intelligent and resourceful children know exactly who to approach to get the best outcome. I think it is very important for you as the parents to have regular discussions so that you are in agreement about issues regarding your children. I suggest a regular “meeting of the board of directors”. Sit down and discuss how you are going to handle the current issues with your children so you are in agreement. Then when your child asks either one of you for permission, if it’s an issue you have not discussed yet with your spouse, you respond, “let me get back to you”, or “I’ll have to think about that”. In this way you are not contradicting one another and are in agreement and consistent.


Another example of putting the marriage first comes up around extend family, take in-laws for example. Not all families are going to blend perfectly. If your families do blend, that’s great. If you live close by and you can split up the holidays very evenly, that’s great. But much of the time, that is not the case. This is where you have to put the relationship first. I suggest that you sit down each year and decide at the beginning of the year, what you are going to do about extended family gatherings including holidays. I have found with some couples that it works very well to alternate years with the holidays, spending one holiday one year with one side of the family and the next year with the other side.


Some couples have found that it worked well to split up on the holidays sometimes, each going to their respective families for the holiday gathering. And then, some couples have decided to have a gathering at their own home and who ever could make it would come. What I am saying is that whatever works for you is the right answer. But the bottom line is that you are in agreement and that you have an on-going discussion about how you will handle this issue.


Clear and consistent communication about how to put your marriage first is the key to a romantic, passionate relationship!

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or http://www.WholeHeartPath.com

10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Tip #2 APPRECIATION

Appreciation will rekindle your romance more powerfully than anything I know of. Do you feel appreciated in your relationship? Do you appreciate your partner? Do you express your appreciation? Daily? There are so many ways to show love and appreciation to your partner. Appreciation begins with a state of mind. Take the time to really notice things to acknowledge about your partner. Notice if you spend more time being frustrated and disappointed with things that aren’t happening the way you would like them to happen. Imagine what your life would be like without that person. Be grateful for that wonderful person you call your partner.

Here are a few ways to express appreciation:

  1. Take your partner’s hands in your hands, facing each other. Look into his/her eyes and express heartfelt, authentic appreciation for your partner’s presence in your life.

  1. Throughout every day, look for things to thank your partner for, the things they do that make your life easier or more joyful. Express gratitude for things like making the coffee in the morning, doing the grocery shopping, cooking, and taking care of car maintenance or even getting up to let the cat out (that’s one of mine!)

  1. Take the initiative to think of fun, new things for the two of you to do. Make all the plans and really make it happen.

  1. Surprise your partner with breakfast in bed or their favorite dinner after work.

  1. Give your partner a card for no special occasion other than that you love him/her.

  1. Write your partner a poem or a letter of appreciation.

These may seem corny but trust me, they really work. Oh and make sure to show your partner this article!

I would love to know the ways that you express your appreciation to your partner.

Please post your ideas and I will include them (anonymously) in my newsletter!

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or http://www.WholeHeartPath.com

dmorgan968@aol.com


10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance

Marriage is the best seminar you will ever participate in. It offers you an opportunity for growth that no other relationship can equal, if both people are fully participating. A healthy marriage takes time and care. It’s just like anything that is worth having, it requires attention. If you don’t care for your plants, they will die. If you don’t exercise, your muscles will atrophy, if you don’t nurture your relationship, you will begin to become resentful, bored and lonely. The next thing that goes is the passion and romance. So if you’re feeling bored, lonely or resentful in your relationship, consider these 10 keys to Rekindle Your Romance. Make one change in your relationship today that can make a world of difference.

10 Tips to Rekindle Your Romance Tip #1 Healthy Communication

Healthy and effective communication is a key to any healthy relationship, including a marriage. That’s why it’s first on the list! First of all, it is important to have clear communication. Your partner is not a mind reader. We cannot assume that our partner knows what we are thinking or should know what we are thinking. The first step to healthy communication is to take the time to make it happen. Often we attempt to have communication at the worst times. I’m sure this has never happened to any of you, but here’s how it happens for other people.

Things are going pretty well, but you have this little thing that’s been bothering you and you want to talk about it. But you don’t want to rock the boat by bringing up something that may create tension, because, after all, things are pretty good. So you don’t bring up that thing, which at that time isn’t that big of a deal. But then that thing starts becoming a bigger deal, because you didn’t talk about it. It’s in your mind, bothering you. You’re putting energy into making it okay, ignoring it, waiting until you can find a “good time” to talk about it. Well, guess what? There really isn’t going to be a “good time” to talk about it. What usually happens is that when you are having a heated discussion or dare I say, a fight, about something else, that little thing, which has been growing and festering will come out and now it’s a lot bigger thing, because it has a lot more anger behind it, and it’s on the pile with all the other things you have been holding onto, waiting for a “good time “to talk.

I recommend that you set aside time every day to talk. That way, you are talking about the little things when they are still fairly uncharged. Sometimes you will be chatting about daily happenings and sometimes you will be bringing up those tough subjects that are more difficult to talk about. Usually the little things will stay that way if you bring them up while they are still little.

There are some boundaries I would like to suggest for your daily conversations. One is that you set a time limit if you need to, at least 30 minute or more. If something comes up, and you find that you don’t have the time to discuss it as deeply and thoroughly as you need to, schedule another time, within the next 24 hours, when you can have more uninterrupted time to discuss and process the issue. Another suggestion is to have your daily conversation some time during the day and not before bed. It’s great to talk before bed, but leave your “hot topics” and problems for the daytime conversation. Typically the “hot topics” are work, money, the kids and any other problems. I also suggest that you face one another, have eye contact, even holding hands sometimes if that feels good. Another really important thing about this conversation is that you each let the other finish completely, without interrupting. And finally, speak lovingly, from the heart to one another.

Diana Concoff Morgan, M.A., H.H.E , Minister
can be reached at 925-980-9052 or http://www.WholeHeartPath.com